Ngare KariukiYou’ve probably said the words “be safe” to a friend when parting ways or ending a phone conversation, as an expression of concern for their safety and future well-being.
We also use the words “be safe” alongside similar phrases like “take care” or “watch out” to prompt our loved ones to take measures to protect themselves from potential harm.
But there is also another use of the phrase “be safe” that is less popular but more meaningful and powerful and one that we urgently need to adopt amidst the current (and not so current) wave of deaths of women in the hands of men that they loved or trusted.
The second meaning of being safe refers to the state of being “a safe person” – being a person that others can trust and feel safe around because you have shown yourself to be trustworthy, respectful, and mindful of the wellbeing of others.
You’ve probably heard this less popular use of safety used in the context of inanimate objects and places. Is that road safe? Is that toy safe? Is that construction site safe?
In the wake of the most recent wave of men killing the women that loved and trusted them, I am challenging fellow men today to start getting comfortable with the same question being asked about them.
Are you a safe man, or are you a danger to others, especially women? Are you someone that a woman, just by being alone with you, must fear for their physical safety, or worse, fear for their life?
Are you a safe man? What accountability measures have you put in place when going out on a date or one night stand with a woman you have just met to ensure that at least one other person knows of your whereabouts – that if you harm her, you will not just be defended and protected, but called out and made to face the consequences of your actions?
Many women have made it a habit to inform at least one other friend when they are going to be alone with a man, not out of a petty need to share about their love escapades, but as a subconscious safety measure taken against the possibility that something could go wrong, and someone needs to know whom they were last with.
Are men willing to take similar measures as a recognition of their gendered privilege and a mark of honorable intent towards the women that we want to be alone and intimate with?
I grew up in a society where it was normal to refer to men as “protectors” of their families, especially the women in their lives. This now uncomfortable doctrine was rooted in patriarchal religious and traditional teachings alongside other cringeworthy maxims like “men are providers”.
While deeply infantilizing to women, these problematic teachings at least had the “noble” goal of protecting women from external harm, be it physical, social, or economic.
These teachings were rooted in the misguided belief that it was a sign of true masculinity to be able to provide for women and defend women from external threats and harm.
But what these teachings failed to address is the fact that majority of the harms that women faced, including socio-economic ones, came from the very men that were allegedly created to be their protectors.
In fact, the brutal irony of patriarchy is that it achieves the exact opposite of what it claims to promote – it puts the safety and wellbeing of women in the hands of men while also leaving it up to men to decide what is “good” and “safe” for women, without ever consulting women.
In other words, under patriarchy, what’s good for a woman is what a man decides or feels is good for the woman. So, the protection of women is under the terms and conditions set by men and men alone.
It is therefore little surprise that many men today are genuinely incredulous when women are shouting “stop killing women!” and “being a woman should not be a death sentence!”.
As triggering as the metaphor may be, the death of women under the hands of men is a death by a thousand cuts. For every woman murdered by a man, thousands of other women have died a thousand social, economic, and cultural deaths in the hands of systems designed to privilege and accommodate men.
This is why it is misguided to compare or equate a woman being killed by a man to the death of any man in the hands of a woman – whether in an intimate partner situation or outside it. The former marks the last domino to fall in a series of systemic gender-based deaths; the latter is often just the effect of a rogue domino that decided to fight back.
So, when I challenge fellow men to “be safe”, I am asking for more than just resisting the urge to physically assault and kill a woman – I think it’s already too late for you if your current struggle is over whether to kill a woman.
My challenge is more ambitious. My challenge is to men like me, who have never laid a finger on a woman but, shamefully, cannot say the same about the gendered emotional and objectifying violence that we have meted out to women in our lives.
Will you be a safe man? Will you be self-aware enough to never put a woman in a position where she feels she must compromise her values to appease you or please you because of the power you hold socially or financially?
Will you be man enough to protect the women in your life from yourself?
