Learning to listen loudly

Written by Oral East Africa

My parents tell me that I cried incessantly for three days in protest of the name they initially gave me. the frantic attempts by all the adults in the house to soothe me failed, Hard. On the 3^rd day, my father tired out of his mind went to take a nap. Had a dream, woke up and called me by my preferred name. Addah. I instantly stopped crying and we lived happily ever after – maybe just briefly before I had the need to communicate something else.

My primary communication style during my childhood was to cry and sulk until my situation changed. See I didn’t know how to put in words what I was feeling and so crying was the alternative.

Over the years I however quickly realized crying my way out of anything was not possible and so I had to be innovative to navigate different aspects of my life as a leader, a parent, a daughter, sibling and friend.

Eric F. Douglas in his book Straight talk says “Communication styles are a manifestation of our personalities. But they are not the same as our personality. Personality is relatively stable, changing only subtly over time. Our style of communication on the other hand is a learned behavior. We can modify it once we learn how”.

I recently I took a Toastmasters test to figure out what kind of communicator I am. It turns out I have a dominant communication style which is direct then initiating, analytical and supportive.

Versatility

Direct Communicators are focused, ambitious, goal oriented and confident. They like to feel in control and get frustrated when they are dependent on others, they measure progress by achievements and successes and are motivated by challenges. At work, their pace is fast and decisive, and they like a busy, structured, and efficient environment displaying more concern for results and do not easily share feelings.

To say I wasn’t creeped out by how factual this description is would be a lie.

But it also pointed out to me how versatile I am as any other human, leaning to other styles of communication in order to adapt and survive in a dynamic world. Some come naturally to me, while others I continue to learn how to use.

For instance, as I now lead an organization, parent my young adult children and are around my aging parents more, I find my use of supportive style frequent. I take time to listen more than I speak, I do not have strong opinions and encourage more than critique. In many cases I am personal and vulnerable in these conversations to create the room needed to be supportive and also be supported.

Game face

At work, analytical communication is paramount and linked to my direct style. To rationalize and make cases or arguments for expected results require my communication be more precise, use evidence to back up what I say. I am all about percentages and quantified costs and this communication is often serious, has little room for anecdotes and often may make me appear harsh and emotionless.

I must admit, I used to be anxious in the beginning while mastering this skill, however as I hone it, I find analytical communication useful for debates and successful changes to important causes while enabling my decisive leadership quality.

Whenever I am around introverts I metamorphosize into the Initiative Style Communicator. Energetic, social, and enthusiastic. I come across as very engaging and fun. In these moments I speak more than I listen.

Although frankly, these moments exhaust me. As I learn to network for leadership and fundraising, I have cultivated a more useful way to manage this. I ask more questions and become more interested in what people do and know. It helps!

Learning to listen

One of the reasons I joined toastmasters is to learn how to listen. It Is why I take on evaluation roles during a meeting. Listening not to respond but to understand and reflect is a key leadership quality that I continue to work at building. It doesn’t come easily to me.

It dawned on me a few years back that I hoard all the speaking opportunities whenever my friends are together. Now that I am in a Co-Ed leadership, the need to consciously address this is an everyday experience.

I continue to develop mechanisms for keeping myself in check including asking people to stop me. I also note moments when I am likely to do this are usually when I am overly dysregulated and chose to not take meetings or opt not to speak at all in this period.

Over time, in my communications I bring people in, I interrupt less, stop midway, and acknowledge that they need to speak before me. I still fail here, a lot. So, I go back and apologize and make plans to grow next time.

If communication is indeed the tip of my Maslow’s hierarchy then I am still in my quest to becoming a great communicator. I cant wait!