Florence Riako AnamA former colleague once called me a chameleon clarifying that there were very many versions of Florence. The ones she got to experience, and the ones colleagues would tell her about whenever they would chat about work.
At the time, I believed this to be a superpower and was rather proud of myself for being agile and adaptable.
This was until a year later when during therapy I learned that I was too adaptable I had lost who I was. I learned on this day that I walked through life like a ‘gift pack’
What is a gift pack you ask?
It is when you always feel the need to show up in any connection or relationship you form with something as compensation for who you are. Some people walk into relationships leading with their authentic selves, while others lead with fun, support, acts of service, material things, adventure, you name it.
People with ‘social chameleon’ personality may have started this behavior in childhood when they needed to use this response to protect themselves from reprimand or offending the adults in their life.
Read also: The Adulting epidemic
The Merriam Webster dictionary defines a person who often changes his or her beliefs or behavior in order to please others or to succeed.
People with chameleon personality change themselves depending on where and with whom they are with. They are known to connect so deeply with others that they almost become one with the other, and as a result lose connection with themselves.
Having a chameleon personality is not all doom and gloom. One has the ability to connect with different groups of people, are agile and empathetic all good qualities that foster understanding of different perspecties. You have the ability to ‘read the room’, sense the ‘vibe’ and have high observational skills.
When being a chameleon takes over your own authenticity however, you risk losing self, having weak and superficial relationships due to lack of honesty, deep resentment, stress, anxiety and burnout.
As a recovering conflict averse, people pleasing chameleon here are three tools I am currently using to ensure I show up fully authentic in every facet of my life.
Three Little Birds
Set boundaries
Decide what you are or unwilling to do and then communicate this very clearly. Boundary setting isn’t easy. It requires an investment in self-awareness.
You will upset people, get into conflict sometimes, and you may be tasked to walk away or lose something you desire. This is not easy, however once done, it can be freeing.
Prioritize your needs and say no to anything that you do not feel like doing even if it will not make people happy.
Break and repair: conflict is great for growth
American Author John Gottman opines that “Connection, break, and repair are a natural part of the relationship cycle we go through, even with ourselves”.
Do not shy away from difficult conversations or discomfort in relationships. Conflicts are healthy for strengthening any relationship bond.
What is important is the ability to repair. Repairs are an essential part of any relationship cycle however, people ignore it because repair requires taking both
parties to be intentional about taking responsibility and being accountable.
Often we prefer instead to do the easy things like putting each other through the silent treatment or waiting for the ‘issue to pass’. Look, doing this may keep the peace in relationships but threatens its longevity and success.
I propose that you take time to speak honestly to one another, apologise and make amends. This may require vulnerability which further strengthens the
connection.
Be not afraid to lose
The most powerful tool is one’s ability to not be afraid to lose. When what you have to lose stands against your authenticity, values, and happiness then let it go.
With this mindset, I have found the confidence to communicate my boundaries, express my needs, and ask questions so I do not make assumptions.
I have never lost anything I needed to have for the journey I am in to be honest. In retrospect, all I did was shed off what I had outgrown or wasn’t needed for the life journey I am on. I have in time gained more even from the relationships I briefly lost.
How about you? what tools do you have that support your living life authentically?
The Writer is the Co-Executive Director, the Global Network of People Living with HIV (GNP+).
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