Why do compliments make us so uncomfortable?

Everyone likes a compliment! Wrote Abraham Lincoln. That may be true, but why do compliments make many of us so uncomfortable that all we do is deflate them?

Last month, during a team meeting, one of my colleagues, passed on a compliment on how beautiful ones’ sunglasses looked to which the other responded, “Oh, they are nothing, I just got them from the street shop at 2 euros”.

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I believe we have all responded in this way to a compliment in the course of our lives. It is common to respond and say “You too” whenever someone compliments your flawless makeup or your dress, your work and achievement. The response feeling almost like an obligation.  I particularly have felt like I am dodging bullets like superman whenever people compliment my work.  

Gift of giving

The world celebrates giving so naturally, and most of us are great givers often, taught as children to ‘be good and share your toys’ or in church when taught how ‘the lord loves a cheerful giver’. But why is receiving not celebrated or encouraged?

Giving is easy you know why? we enjoy thinking of ourselves as basically generous, benevolent people. It’s the yard stick for measuring our humanity and goodness.

We also get some level of control out of giving, the idea that we have in abundance, so we give to those we deem not to have sufficient. So by extension, giving is powerful, and power is great!!

Receiving? Hmmm Now that is as hard as playing ping pong with raw eggs.  We often feel subtly uncomfortable when receiving. Sometimes it may be because we don't feel worthy or deserving, or are questioning people’s intentions.

I am sure everyone has had that conflicting emotion when receiving a gift from someone? Often the first response is aaawww, you shouldn’t have!! Internally though, (and we hide this so well) is a mind psychobabble that shifts from   “What’s their angle?” or “why did they give this to me?” to “What will I have to do or get them in return?” We feel indebted and that makes us very uncomfortable.

Perspectives

But that is just one of the many ways to look at it. Deepak Chopra once said, Giving connects two people, the giver and the receiver and this connection gives birth to a new sense of belonging.

It gave me quite an illuminating view of the scripture, ‘Blessed is the hand that giveth, and the hand that taketh’ because What if the hand that giveth and the hand that taketh belonged to the same person? Belonged to you, to me?

This life experience has taught me lessons on why I should be a graceful receiver and showed me that it is only in this state that I can also give wholesomely.

Some of the key lessons of which I feel I must share is, one, to receive, I must ask. This means I must have clarity of what I want and communicate it. No one told me how hard it is to answer the question “What do you want or need?”

In the past I expected people to know or anticipate what I want or need. I would get disappointed in them when they fell short of my expectations.

I also believed I was so gifted that I could anticipate people’s needs, which wasn’t true at all. I gave what I believed was best for whoever, from my interpretation of what I thought was best for them and not really what they wanted for themselves.  Listen out for what people around you want and need. Do not make assumptions.

Full cup

Secondly, the more I receive, the more I can give. The reverse is not true. English poet William Blake said, the thankful receiver bears a plentiful harvest. I am a strong believer of you can only give that which you have.

Giving what you do not have is energy draining and not sustainable a practice. A relationship where only one gives and the other receives breeds an unhealthy space where the receivers keep asking and benefiting while the giver doesn’t benefit and ultimately becomes resentful. These words by Mary Joyce Coaching couldn’t be more apt. “Fill your own cup first so you may give abundantly to those around you”

Lastly, receiving is humbling yet liberating! It is definitely not easy because it requires that we ask and ask with clarity. In truth, whenever I ask, I risk rejection or being shamed.

It takes a lot of humility and asks of us to be vulnerable or humble. These are not very easy qualities to have, but we can all learn.

Letting go

Asking and receiving is also an empowering experience. I have learned to let go of the need to control an outcome in any situation, accept that any response to my ask will either be a ‘no’, ‘wait’ or a “yes”. And it is ok.

I give myself the grace to acknowledge my feelings in the process, then let particularly the unfavorable outcomes go.  It’s an acquired practice I must admit, and I am learning.

I am learning to be grateful for everyday simple gifts that life has to offer; the beauty of nature, the sound of children playing, art, music, stimulating conversations, the Sunset (and if you are a morning person, the sunrise).

Are we truly receiving them when they happen to us, or are we busy, preoccupied with other matters, not noticing? Not receiving? I hope you take a pause this week and receive all that gives around you.

The Writer is the Co-Executive Director, the Global Network of People Living with HIV (GNP